Skywalkers: The Truth behind the Lightsaber
by DomMeister
Summary: Surprisingly, the Skywalkers do more than hack each others heads off.


The Skywalkers  
  
This is a little story (In the style of The Osbournes) that my friend (DomMeister) and I (Emily-Maguire) cooked up when we were bored out of our trees. Or cages, depending on what way you think about it. You are very sick, Dom. Cheesy Maguire Girl. Burn! Stupid.anyway on with.  
  
THE SKYWALKERS: THE STORY BEHIND THE LIGHTSABER!  
  
Abbreviations: DV-Darth Vader, PS: Padme Skywalker, LS-Luke, LeS- Leia, MS- Male Stripper, Psy- Psychochiatrist, D- driving test man, JS- Jack Scrumpy, SNOG- Super Nick Of Gogglebury (Welcome to the DeathStar)  
  
NARRATOR: This is no ordinary DeathStar. This is the workplace of Darth Vader. Darth Vader has a fear that Luke could possibly grow up on the Light side. or gay judging by his haircut. He decides to take Luke into work one day to show him what a real man (or an insane rebel of the Force) does in his spare time.  
  
DV: Now, Luke (eeeeeeechooooooooh) this is daddy's office. (He opens the door revealing a male stripper whipping Stormtrooper ass, man!) Hey guys, I told you stay out of my office, and stop stealing my (eeeeeeeeechoooooh) entertainment!  
  
MS: (In an unusually high voice) Why, hello Tart Vader! Coming here for a little (Strokes torso in a, ahem, suggestive way) quality time?  
  
LS: Daddy, what are they doing?  
  
DV: Stealing daddy's (eeeeeeeeeechoooooooooh) entertaaaaainment!  
  
MS: Why, what a beautiful little girl you got there, Tarty-Poo!  
  
DV: It's a boy. And his name is (eeeeeeeeechooooooooh).  
  
MS: Eeeeeeechooooooh?  
  
DV: NO! Lucia. I mean Luke! Luke, dammit, (Eeeeeeeechooooooh) No, Luke! Luuuke!  
  
MS: It's boy, huh? I can see why you bought him here.  
  
LS: (Tugging MS' non-existent skirt) My name's Lucia!  
  
DV: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Family Therapy  
  
(Family Therapy)  
  
*Tacky music* FAMILY THERAAAAPYYYYYYYY!  
  
That's what happens when you fall out with your spouse!  
  
FAMILY THERAAAAPYYYYYYYYY!  
  
When your wild kids run naked round the house!  
  
FAMILY THERAAAAPYYYYYY!  
  
It ain't freeeee!  
  
(Luke, Darth, Padme and Leia shift around nervously on a couch.)  
  
DV: I don't know why we're here.  
  
PS: Don't lie to me, Anakin! I found the whips! And look what happened to Lukey! (She points to 'Lukey' who has put down a boombox and is dancing in y-fronts waving a shirt over his head [he still has his lightsaber belt on] to 'I believe in Miracles')  
  
LS: I dooooooo believe in miracles bay-bay! Do you believe in them tooooo? (Padme starts to cry. Psychiatrist walks in with a buzzing chainsaw and wearing a hockey mask)  
  
LeS: Are you our psychiatrist?  
  
Psy: (squeaky, disturbing voice) Yeeeeeeeeees! But with one little exception.I'm a PSYCHO-chiatrist!  
  
LeS: What, you help psychos or you are one?  
  
Psy: (in a normal voice) Come on, lady! Chainsaw!  
  
LeS: Come on, Man! Dude stripping! Dude stripping! (Luke is humping on of the plastic plants in the corner) (Sounding disgusted) Dude. humping.  
  
Psy: I'd say that was weird, not psychotic. Anyway, (sits down and gets out notepad. The chainsaw is still on and has wrecked the sofa and now 'danced' off.) Has your son been involved in any mass murders?  
  
PS: No. At least (gazes at plant) I don't think so.  
  
DV: That plant's not gonna last much longer though! He he he.  
  
Psy: But you wish you were the plant, don't you?  
  
DV: (Looks sheepish)  
  
Psy: Has your son attempted to kill you in the shower, ma'am?  
  
PS: No.  
  
DV: The bloody Republic has tried to.  
  
Psy: Wow! Time's up, people! Till next time, ta-ta!  
  
DV: WHAT?! 300 space currency for 2 MINUTES?  
  
Psy: I'm worth it Darth.  
  
DV: This is what I think of your sessions! (Takes out lightsaber and decapitates the psychochiatrist)  
  
LeS: Dad! I was beginning to relate with that guy!  
  
*Tacky music* FAMILY THERAAAPYYYYY! (In a low voice) It ain't free!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Luke's First Driving Test  
  
(Luke's first driving test)  
  
(Luke shifts around in a pod and is wearing a pair of sunglasses. A man with a clipboard gets into the car and Luke wipes his forehead.)  
  
D: Hello.Lucia, is it?  
  
LS: No, it's Luke.  
  
D: Sorry, son, I thought because of your haircut.  
  
LS: You're my father?! So that bastard lied to me! Again!  
  
D: NO, it's an expression.  
  
LS: Oh? Is that so? (Takes out mobile phone, presses a couple of buttons and puts it to his ear.) Hellooooo? Daddy? Or are you really? I just found out.What.You are? I want a DNA test.(sounds annoyed) What do you mean you can't get into your suit? . Don't you 'Eeeeeeechooooooh' me! (Hangs up) Sorry.  
  
D: Celebrity family?  
  
LS: Tell me about it! We've been seeing this psychiatrist. It's just so. Umm, driving test.  
  
D: (Snaps out of caring guy mode) Yes. Now, Luke, if you can take off your sunglasses.  
  
LS: Can't.  
  
D: Rough night?  
  
LS: No. Dad wants to make sure that I don't turn to the Light side.  
  
D: (As if avoiding Luke) Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. (Turns to clipboard and scans pen down to 'Cannot take glasses off because.' and ticks 'Against religion') Now, if you put the pod into stable gear.That's right and just drive around a bit.  
  
LS: Where? (They are in an inky blackness)  
  
D: Oh, just where there's space. (Luke hits his head against the horn)  
  
HORN: BEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!  
  
Padme's Posies  
  
(Padme's Posies)  
  
DV: (VO, sounding very annoyed) After the popularity of THE SKYWALERS: THE TRUTH BEHIND THE LIGHTSABER, my wife, (with extreme spite) my loyal, faithful, loving wife, has signed a deal with some.channel, and here is her show. Padme's Posies. (Canned applause) Yeah, yeah, whatever, SHUT UP!  
  
PS: (Shifting uneasily behind counter) Good day to all of you watching this, my first solo show (A crash of china and mumbling as DARTH walks across the screen, glaring at the camera.) (In a hushed whisper) Get off! DV: No.  
  
PS: Please!  
  
DV: No! Not until I get my own show! I will get my own show!  
  
PS: (Through teeth) DARTH!  
  
DV: Sorry dear. (Walks off, grunting and eeeeechoooooohing angrily) Bloody mind control technique.  
  
PS: Anyway.(at camera) where were we? Ah, yes, hanging baskets! These adorable things can brighten up the darkest areas of your spaceship, space dwelling or slaughterhouse. Here are some interesting ideas for presentation! An ordinary straw basket! (Holds up a straw basket) An evil bounty hunter's head! (Holds up Jabba's head, blooming with pansies, sticking its tongue out in a dead fashion) Or, my personal favourite, Storm trooper helmets! (Holds up an upside-down helmet with geraniums) Now we've sorted out the presentation, let's think of the flowers! (Jangly piano music) Here we have some Saturn Sanitary towels! I mean Stinkweeds! (Points to Luke, looking bored and holding up a storm trooper's helmet with green flowers in it) Venus Varicose veins. I mean verandas! (Leia smiles cheerily and holds up a helmet with large blooming purple flowers) Mars menopause! I mean Mars marigolds! Heh heh.(Darth holds up a helmet with red marigolds)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Reasons Not To Kill Your Father  
  
Luke is currently at the Strip bar and is on a date with a two-headed chick that is currently massaging him. He is also with his mates, Jack Scrumpy from CiderLand and Super Nick Of Gogglebury. He receives the miniature thought. His ears start beeping out the Nokia tune and the words 'MUM CALLING' flashes on his forehead.  
  
SNOG: Hey! Cool phone, Lukey-Doo.  
  
JS (laughing dumbly): Haw haw haw. I like Scooby-Doo!  
  
Luke taps a green pick up button concealed in his left nostril as mucus: Mum?  
  
PS: Lukey? I don't know how to say this.  
  
LS: Oh god, Lier better not have another boyfriend.  
  
PS: It's your father. LS: He hasn't got a boyfriend has he? I thought he went straight after he fired those male strippers.  
  
(There's a pause on the other end of the phone) then Padm'e says: No... He was... he was MURDERED!  
  
LS: Really?  
  
PS: Really.  
  
LS (muttering): 'Bout time! Er... who killed him?  
  
PS: You did.  
  
LS: I did?  
  
PS: Yes. I'm afraid you're grounded.  
  
LS: Oh okay. That's fair enough. (He pushes a red put down button concealed at the end of his nose as a spot.)  
  
SNOG: What's up?  
  
LS: I killed my father and now I'm grounded.  
  
JS: Heavy, man.  
  
SNOG: Yeah. Well, a toast for your last night of freedom, Lukey-Doo. They all drink heavily from a can of Galactic Orange Juice (90% alcohol)  
  
JS: To Lukey-Doo and his CRAZY family and psychopathic father.  
  
LS: On a different topic of conversation, how long do you think the authors of this moral-less tale are going to get away with such tripe?  
  
SNOG: I'd give 'em a week...  
  
THE END  
  
DV: Wait! (eeeeeeeeeeeeechooooooooooooooooo) I'm still alive! 


End file.
